I have been stuck with my nose in this book, “Women Who Run with the Wolves”.

I hungrily devoured the chapter on the original story of ‘The Ugly Duckling’.

Which maybe we are all familiar with and maybe not. I want to share what i have taken from it this time around. In the original writing of the story, published in 1845, it is actually a story of an ‘ugly duckling’ who is criticized for looking different in comparison to his gorgeous sibling baby ducks. The exiled ugly duckling flees from his mother and the other bullying ducks in distraught, struggling for the whole winter to stay alive, alone.

As spring starts to dawn, he watches the beautiful white swans soar overhead, longing to be one of them.

Until one day he hears them above and makes a cry out to them – the swans see him and answer back, circling down to the pond. The ugly duckling doesn’t understand what is happening. The swans come to him in the water and begin swimming with him, smiling at him, lovingly licking his feathers clean. Confused, he looks down to see his reflection in the water… he can’t believe his eyes – he has blossomed through winter into an elegant swan.

These chapters of exile can feel as though they will last forever, but the darkness and confusion is the fertile space we need to form our own unique strength. One is supposed to get to ones feet and go off in search of what one belongs to!

How do we know we are not yet there?
She says in Women Who Run with Wolves, “The wrong doors are those that cause you to feel the outcast all over again”

Hold out for the right medicine.
You will recognize it because it makes your life stronger rather than weaker.
It is never a mistake to search for what one requires. Never.

~

What i am realizing – in pure abundance right now!! – is that when I elevate my own vibration + values, i no longer accept what I once allowed, making room for the real connections + opportunities i have always longed to create.

~

I used to look at people who had tattoos of nature and plants, mystical symbols or creatures, who had a certain light in their eyes, messy hair, and an absence of fear in touching, hugging, deep conversations, eye connection… I never understood why i did not have that myself, why i did not have relationships like this. How did those people do it in a way that seemed so natural and organic, flowing, what was i doing wrong?

Only recently has there felt like a breaking open of the shell of that level of relating (to my own self as well as others). Very suddenly I AM THE ONE having the conversations i have always longed to have, the conscious and caring touch or ‘holding space/creating space’ ability i have always longed to share, the presence in conversation where Ego or my mind is sitting back and my heart is speaking!

I have tears in my eyes. I could tell you a story or 30 about feeling like the ugly duckling, but they are all only stories. 

“So even this yearning, from the space of feeling like an outsider, an ugly duckling, makes a person go onward to keep searching. If one cannot find a culture that encourages her, she usually decides the only way is to construct it herself. And that is good. For if she builds it, others who have been looking for a long time will mysteriously arrive one day, enthusiastically proclaiming that they have been looking for this all along.”

So how do we clear the canvas?

Stop inviting in low vibrational people – for me this looked like: losing myself -or connecting with others who were losing themselves- to alcohol or drugs, to partying. To stop people pleasing and holding space for people who are determined to live in victim-mode. To stop allowing those around me to tell me their stories over and over again, that they refuse to move on from.
– and YES, if you are a survivor of trauma, abuse, exile, or any kind of pain (most of us are, probably anyone reading from my blog could very well be), you are amazing, and deserve to feel a survivor and your strength in being here despite it all, despite the darkest of times and chapters.
BUT
There comes a time when we must pull ourselves from the muck and mud we are still in because of said trauma, and choose to CREATE from this darkness.

side note: what do ‘high vibrational’ people and choices look like?
They are the people, places, jobs, opportunities that INSPIRE YOU.
A clear way of depicting this is,
Do I feel contracted when around ________ (person)
Or do I feel EXPANSIVE when around _________ (person)
For myself, these new ways of living and relating had to connect with my values in health, connection, vulnerability, and community.
If people or opportunities and jobs were not aligning with these values, i would not choose them or spend time with them, instead i would choose myself, however challenging that may feel ❤

This is where we choose AUTHENTICITY.
The Artist’s Way.
Heart.

We no longer allow the relating we once did or low vibrational conversations of the past. We have to care enough to UP-LEVEL ourselves.
The rewards, i am noticing, are fucking limitless.
Moving on is liberating. No longer letting our stories mean anything about us is FREEING.

You, my dear, are a swan, and you don’t even realize it ❤