Addiction is a reaching for
A yearning for
An attempt to fill the space that is already whole
Here is what is happening for me in the fire of breaking the cycle…
Although the attempt may be honourable to want to ‘overcome’ our limitations and feelings of stagnicity… we often times use a crutch or plug to rescue ourselves from it… this leads to more pain.
Once i have THAT body i’ll be happy.
Once i have THAT job, income, lover, house, diploma, I will feel whole. Worthy. Deserving. Enough. Only THEN my life can start.
The means to reach this causes more pain and alienation than the initial fear of not having it.
We are still in isolation and suffering. We are by-passing the truth.
When we stop, the cycle comes to another dead end… we see that we have never been able to accomplish ourselves – overcome ourselves. Turn ourselves into someone else.
We cannot out-run ourselves.
The trick, i am learning, is to be in deep reverence for each sensation that appears.
Most of us are so intertwined with these stories of loneliness, rejection and grief in our minds – that we don’t realize they are all in the past. They actually cannot hurt us anymore.
If we step in and choose to see that all these are are stories, we can be with what we actually feel directly, now, in our bodies:
Tingling, pressure, energy moving, pulsing, weightyness, heavyness in our chest etc…
By being in the immediate content with what we feel, we see the link between feelings and what are beyond them. We are so much more than any particular feeling.
When we step out of the story, and into the sensation.
…when a feeling of sadness is explored and allowed, when we breathe into it rather than quickly run to change it – it may transform into peace.
…If we can sit in anger without reacting to someone or something and letting it burst out of our being, we may watch it pass through us like thunder clouds, revealing mountains of strength and power.
(Newly discovered for Hannah: frustration is suppressed inner power!)
Now, the struggle i have been feeling is in connecting with others now… because suddenly all i can do is be very present with each sensation happening in any given moment… I have had a taste of presence and the masks and stories I have been living under are clear to me now. It’s like peeling off a heavy rock and seeing light for the first time…
And so to catch up with friends and talk about what has happened or go into past is so confusing for me. I read recently in an Eckhart Tolle book, “never go into the past unless you absolutely have to”
… and i feel this deeply. Unless a feeling or memory or trigger arises in the present moment, why are we digging back into them to fill space and create conversation that isn’t through awareness of the present moment?
I am hungry for presence and i can’t keep draining myself by not having these boundaries. I also can no longer spend my energy apologising to those I do not make time for who walk into my day and go into ‘story’ or memories to fill space and take over silence…
There is so much happening right here, right now! And it is actually ALL WE HAVE.
If i told you to take 3 deep breaths, eyes closed, and ask yourself,
“hey, what’s up? I love you, i am listening.”
What would you hear?
Thank you for reading, for being here, for listening.
Bliss n Blessings ❤
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– thoughts inspired by and in deep gratitude to my teachers and tribe currently helping me breathe into my being right now and show up as authentically as I can. Thank you.
And so much of this post was inspired by the beautiful, Geneen Roth, who’s audiobook i cannot get enough of, “Women, Food, and God” – helping me heal my relationship with myself.