Learning to be open with myself again

*****I would like to make clear the absolute magic and beauty of this entry to me now.. This entry was written back in May, just before heading off to the Krishna Village for 7 weeks of farm life and conscious community… A place I created and bonded some of the most conscious, communicative, healing and loving relationships I ever have had.
…Amazing what we create through the thick and tireless mud of confusion… I believe it’s no mistake that I arrived at the village just days after writing this entry.
(more about the Krishna Village experience to come soon)
*****

I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy…

Until one day I started cleaning up, getting ready for the next leg of my travels, after 2 whole months of standing still. I took a moment, sweaty in the afternoon sun, I opened Facebook for some reason, to see exactly what I knew I would. All of my beautiful, beautiful friends and what they were doing, seeing, sharing, creating in their lives and with social media right now.
There are two sides to this relationship I have with social media…
The first is of beauty. I am grateful to open up a tiny app on my phone or to open a tab on my computer and instantly feel my heart, warmed by photos of the loving people I am lucky enough to have crossed paths with in this life, smiling back at me. I feel the encouragement of them from continents away. Memories flood in and I feel nostalgic. I get inspired just from seeing what they are creating and how they spread love through the world. I am reminded of who I was when I met them… of the memories we hold together.

The second side of this relationship – because that’s what it is, a relationship. I look at my phone often enough for it to be a relationship, and this makes me feel a bit sick now that I’ve brought this to the surface of my mind. I’ve plugged so many moments where I could have breathed or have noticed a bird or a bee, but instead I was looking at this handheld screen that shows me a face I used to know, oceans away. Or shows me something society thinks I ‘need’ to feel more alive or pretty in this life.
This second side is the uncomfortable gut feeling I get when I realize I am missing out on something happening out there right now. With this, I counter-act the idea with the realization that I still have the opportunity to LIVE; currently I am writing my own story, where I am, here and now. Which reminds me of gratitude. Then I fall into this cycle of remembering my fast beating heart, I go back on social media to post about my life, the quotes that move me, the sights I see, to share and connect with others, and all of this beauty available at my fingertips.
But I can’t live like this. Some people can, some people are really talented with multi-tasking and using social media for work, but I get so lost in sharing… that I pick up my phone to find something to help plug my moment of discomfort or ‘boredum’ (which is just a moment’s opportunity for breath-work, checking in with ourselves, noticing our bodies, or the people around us) happening in the real world.

So what’s my real problem right now with my disgusting habit of “I’m not doing anything ‘important’ right now so I’ll go on my phone” ? It’s that I am getting lost in a past version of me. The me of the past who knew these people, these places, these memories. These things I will keep with me forever: the people who encouraged me to grow, the places that both cracked me open and broke my heart so deeply, in the best of ways… the memories that keep me feeling full of love and support in my most tough and tender moments…

But we can’t live always thinking of others first, worrying of others, trying to heal others.
Worrying of what they would think of us now.
Of our wins, and our losses.
Of the number of star-spread, dark nights you spent alone in tears because of the bliss and pain and the way they mix to break and heal your heart.
I realize I am no longer ok with relationships – of any kind – that don’t both feed me in my growth, energetically, of breakdowns and breakthroughs. I want the relationships, of any kind, that embrace the conversations where we speak of the uncomfortable things.
I’m tired of the conversations I had and have been having…
In all my time alone, I found out so much about the world, and in turn, about myself.
My body has been asking me to move on and my stubborn mind was not listening.

But here I am at this precipice, staring down at a new space for me.
It feels scary because we are told that if we let go, we lose.
But what if letting go means we keep only the necessary?
Only the learning, the understanding.
Only the Love.

I’m tired of reliving my own sap-story.
I’m honestly a little tired of holding myself.
Not because I want anyone else to do it for me, but rather it is that my body, my heart says move. She says no more, not like thisYou’re allowed to let go. You won’t lose who you were, she is still here, she blossoms much more beautifully when you are present where you are, now.

I’m tired of worrying about who I am now and comparing her to who I used to be. Because I would like to love myself as I am here, today, right now. I’m not sure that this is possible until we have let our past go. Choosing to move on does not burn our bridges… it allows us a clear view of the ones we have not yet crossed, the bridges ahead, over the horizon.
The ones that are waiting for us to open up our arms and dance into the happening and whimsical unfolding of it all.

Who would you be if you let go of who you used to be?

Who would you be today if you stopped worrying about who you are and how you are showing up today?

Darling, just show up,
Just Be.

I love you, thank you, so much for being here ❤

hannah

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2 thoughts on “Learning to be open with myself again

  1. I was just thinking about you today before I received your update . I was traveling back to abottsford from Harrison bay where I was walking Kona 🙂 it’s my place to find myself and unwind .
    I was cutting through Matsqui village near the little airport where they do skydiving . Anyways I looked across a field of corn and saw a flock of small birds maybe 200 or so , they were floating through the air like a school of fish , like a little tornado ,up ,down ,sideways , and as if one floated in a beitifull dance . It made me think of you .
    I believe your doing your dance ,your way and its beitiful ,hugs Edward

    Like

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