I am in love with this city, and that is why i must leave.
I don’t expect anyone to understand.
I don’t want anyone to ask who, how, where, why.
I only want to listen to my inner most knowing on this one.
Just as I have had to leave before, or men have had to leave me before.
We must not stay when there is something more for us.
I don’t mean more to receive from another, I mean to say we cannot stay when we can feel in our soul that there is more for ourselves out there.
The amount of memories I have collected in these past 6 months, the amount of giggles, hugs, dancing, smiling, connecting, sunsets, sunrises, tears, learning of positivity… observing negativity… new beginnings and goodbyes. Goodbyes i like to believe are only ‘see you soon’s’…
I pinch myself in order to remember it was all real. These connections. This mountain town has shaped me into the free spirit i have always known i was. Leaving feels terrifying. Like i will go back to smaller ways, a smaller mind, a more anxious state of worrying – the state the city brings me to. I easily fall head over heels in love with mountain towns and it has shed bright light to the fact that i cannot go back to big city living that makes me feel insignificant. The mountains make me feel small in size, but large in heart. The people i have met here, coming and going, following their truth despite all costs, they have helped me to stop saying ‘sorry’ so incessantly, they have helped me to uncover the truth in just how amazing i am when i am fully and unapologetically myself. They helped me blast through these walls. I see so fully now, these differences make us beautiful, and I am ready now to embrace you, and everyone that comes to me, for these same reasons. My new friendships have inspired me to let go, to breathe and to be better, brighter, more loving, patient… softer…
Nights remembered, full of dancing and stomping in the dirt, lying under the stars with the warmth of the fire at our feet, late nights talking until sunrise and we realize we never went to bed, random missions, running up and down mountains, singing loudly in the forest and sticking our heads out of the sunroof as we cross the big orange bridge and see the city glimmer in the moonlight. I remember the naked days on the beach, Kali’s amazing home cooking and the loving sass of an old-grandmother we got with it, her constant support and uplifting mindset, she radiates positivity. Morning’s full of Aaron’s giggles and amazing cardamom coffee. Gill’s voice vibrating off the walls and windows, in all of her giving softness and sweetness – I’ll never forget looking at her over the dance floor and doing absolutely the weirdest face or dance move possible and having her reciprocate it, and Warrick’s drunken stumbles into the house at night, that even now i can’t stop picturing and a giant smile pulls across my cheeks, dancing and letting go together. Each of their constant support in my weirdness. It’s amazing trying to find the words to support how much it has all shaped me, i am only flooded with the warmth of it all, the words may not ever appear. I remember especially, the morning’s by the water, night’s under the stars, absolutely no apologies ever, for being what we are. Tarot cards and coffee, stick and poke tattoo’s and dirty feet.
A lump forms in my throat and i can’t begin to speak on the amount of true gratitude. The people who have house’d me, helped me find home. Under their roofs, in their hearts, now they hold a special space in my own.
Only from all this love was I able to see that happiness is homemade. My body is my home. This is all real, and we are all so deserving. Nothing else matters but our connection to self, Spirit, whatever speaks to you – how do you feel supported and connected? We must continue to embrace our very own journeys to it.
When we fall in love, sometimes we have to leave.
I would never have guessed i could be so terrible at change and goodbyes. I can write about how deeply i am in love with you, Kootenays – all of it – this experience, the people, the place, the support, the community, the conversations – but i cannot speak it aloud. I struggle to tell you all just how much you mean to me.
But love is not the completion of yourself when with another thing or human being, actual love is the honouring of this person, place or thing, in it’s own way and power, cherishing it, and still choosing yourself when the time comes to call it. To end one chapter and begin again is a blessing.
I may be in heartbreak over a city, all over again, but I know it is never goodbye.
You and I, Nelson, have a love that never seems to fade 🙂
I fear change so much – only once it’s here. It arrives so suddenly, making me lose my footing and the ground beneath me.
As i step back and take a breath, I shower, I wash, I rejuvenate, I open my eyes wide to see that it is all happening for me, not to me. In order for me to grow, to evolve, to keep all of this within me, i must go with the shift. Change is never negative. It may feel sad and hard maybe yes, leaving with an aching heart that wants to be everywhere at once – to continue with what we once thought we ‘had’, with all the love and support possible – but these changes are all positive.
If we imagine the bow and arrow: in every new beginning, we are being pulled back in order to be shot forward into something more. Whether it’s the hardest thing we ever go through, who knows, probably not, but it can feel that way. But I want you to know, this current ‘breakdown’ – the thunder and lightening you feel now – will still bring a breakthrough of sunlight, just you wait. Whether we forget or whether we keep remembering, i have never had such a positive mindset, and it’s because of every little gift that doing what felt right and good for my soul brought me. I listened and somehow was gifted. Let me continue to fall in love with everyone and everything unreasonably easily ❤
When we trust and believe good things are always on their way, it becomes true. I am ready to start living this life i always hoped i would. I am right there, right here.