There are nights where i question everything i have chosen.
Nights where you start to regret what was said, and what never was.
It is easy to become lost in trying to relive and remember how much you felt in those moments. Going through tougher times when we feel unable of feeling as much sensation or passion in our lives. Times where we do just about anything to remember again how alive you felt, how free.
What if these fleeting free moments are just tiny chance, luck. What if you can’t live in a way that allows you to always be free… What if it only comes in cycles. A month or two of excitement, filled to the brim with a hunger for conversation, followed by 6 months of feeling lost and floating through confusion.
But growth is confusion, and confusion must be growth.
I can’t stay where growth and discomfort are not promised to me.
I am most excited when i have no idea what is about to happen. This is when i notice i am truly living, i am fully alive. We must occasionally ask ourselves, am i scared and anxious, or am i excited? And if there is excitement, butterflies, mixed in with fear, that is what we want to pursue… right? This, for me, now has an obvious answer.
It’s about time i start listening to the part of me that screams, at a time when i collapse to my knees and refuse to surrender to these mental last breaths, gasping to inhale the fresh taste of freedom. The call that says stop – just stop making attempts at a life that makes any real sense. What is a life of certainty and predictability? The only true certainty is uncertainty. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but what if the only security we truly can ever harness is by actually embracing insecurity. The fact that nothing is promised to us. Nothing is static and unmoving. We are in constant motion.
So many beautiful people have come in and out of my life, and it has broken my heart wide open each time, to see them leave my life. Soulmates i meet through serving, yoga, random lucky chance encounters. I have a deep passion for everyone that has already, and will ever play a part in my life. But I also have the most breathtakingly beautiful memories, looking back at these connections.
We are always evolving too. Outgrowing our town, the people around us, we outgrow OURSELVES and who we once were, we cannot lie to ourselves and stay who we once were when we thirst for something MORE. The shell is cracking and we have to allow it. We must acknowledge what is serving us and what no longer is. WE ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE. To cut chords, to move forward, to end and to begin again.
There is a beautiful yet dark saying, “To meet is the beginning of parting”.
We learn something new about ourselves in every goodbye we speak.
What a journey, these lessons. What a life it is. To realize every person we meet is a guide in disguise. How do we let in, how do we let go.
And… Evolve WITH yourself. Don’t you dare leave yourself behind. Routine is the sharpest way to lose your alignment with your soul’s desires. KEEP changing, don’t back off when it becomes fucking uncomfortable, you aren’t here for that. You’re here as a light in a body, here to experience the beauty of your own unique life. I know it, because you are here reading this.
You are alive and well, and you have the power to do YOU.
Take a deep inhale.
A full exhale.
You are infinite.
Your goals are valid.
Everything is possible.
A life well planned-out is a life that is fucking bland. I don’t care how much money you have or don’t have in your bank account, i don’t care if you have a degree or if you never graduated high-school. I don’t care where you buy your clothes, or if you have bad skin. I don’t care if your voice shakes when speaking your truth, i want to hear it. Crack yourself open, and the world will meet you as openly as you have allowed yourself to arrive.
I thrive on mystery, the unexpected. I choose a life unable to be spoiled by my own fulfilment by planning every step or forcing happiness and a smooth journey. Because you know what will start to happen between planning out our job, marriage, kids, life? We will continue to feel this lingering, unacknowledged call that has been at the back of our mind’s eye. Life will jump in your face and yell, look at me, honour me, listen to me. If we don’t listen because we have an idea of what our life “should” look like in order to match the cookie cutter idea we have been programmed or once told to agree with, or to match our friends, mothers, fathers, teacher’s lives…
I believe this is the only wrong decision we can make in life – Not honouring that we are our own, and that we have so much power in our decisions and power to give our own unique gifts. The hardest part is realizing YOU have to do it for YOU. You can’t wait for someone, your best friend or partner or whoever, to run with you. You can’t wait on other people. You can’t wait on their approval, you can’t wait on their support. Especially your parents, you can’t wait for them to say “ok go”. You can’t stop chasing your dreams just because someone won’t chase them with you. You can’t stop chasing the dreams of your life just because when you do it, you’re going to have to do it all by yourself.
You have to chase the dream that feels bigger than you.
(Part of this last paragraph is quoted from the song “I’m Gonna Take It” by mystical yogi, DJ Taz Rashid)
AS I WRAP UP THIS LONG RANT OF LOVE:
It’s important to check in with the fact that this moment, is all we have. You can’t grasp it in your hands, it slips through your fingers like clear water. So if you were to look back at your life are you fulfilled? Can you say, “I was present through all of that, I was there. I enjoyed what came my way to show me what i needed to know”.
For me, the meaning of my life has nothing to do with having things. And has everything to do with enjoying moments, making connections, sharing and creating memories, enjoying early, crisp air mornings in the trees, and late nights in the calm moonlight. If i am to be truly healthy and happy, let money be of little importance to me. Let my health and happiness be my currency.
You would have to lose your mind, to stay small and confined.
…You would also have to lose your mind, to follow the call 😉
But please, don’t change your soul’s path or desires, for anybody else.
“Only within yourself exists that other reality for which you long”
– Herman Hesse
Today, i got in my car and I drove 9 hours across BC to my favourite city, with no ‘concrete’ plans to return any time soon. I was born in the Fraser Valley but my soul finds home in the Kootenays.
I have no idea what to expect. No one to lean on. I am leaving my old routine and archetypes behind. All that is promised is my favourite mountains. The clean air. The quiet. The lake, and the trees that touch the sky in a way that frees my soul.
I am so excited to dive into this life.