“The truth is, you learn a little more about yourself every time someone says good-bye”
– r.m. drake
A question I have recently been introduced to, that really makes me question myself, takes me out of this realm of every day, routinely thoughts… is
“So what are you making this mean about you?”
The last time, I made this ‘good-bye’ about how small i was. How incapable i was to go out on my own into this world and into my own unknown. I felt weak. At first, repeating to myself how weak i felt. Instead of just allowing the feeling to be there, i was in constant let down mode. Feeling a constant lingering of, what do i do now.
This time, I made myself feel strong. I felt capable. This time was different, I experienced a supreme amount of non-attachment to outcomes. Every fucking day, i was breathing in “i release my need to know. I choose to let go of my expectations.” And i came home to myself every day – energetically – i came back to the breath and to these bones. This time, i stood in my power and loved myself first, and that had made all the difference. The non-attachment to the wish i could have stayed in that moment, in that space for longer… this is something i did not realize i was capable of. To breathe into those moments so fully that i was able to feel them at a whole new level of consciousness BECAUSE i had no expectations… Because i knew shit was about to shift and change and flip, all over on me once again… And truly this is life. Is this life’s big challenge? Can we live in the moment so fully, that nothing else fucking matters. Not who you were yesterday, who you wish you were a moment ago, or what you’re worried about that may or may not happen tomorrow or next week or next month. Observe your routine, your habits. If we are unhappy, i have come to notice – speaking from only my experience, of course – that this always has to do with the fact we are living in the past or the future and not the present.
So where are you?
Although a version of me wishes all of this or that could have stayed, all the passion, the space, the place, the sunshine, both the hugs and the clarity that the water gave me every time i reached her, every time i sunk my feet into the sand… The bottom line is, i am here, and i am here, now. I am in the right fucking place right now. Physically, energetically, mentally. Because i AM here.
You (yes, you) and I are in the right fucking place right now to do anything we want to do with our time and energy. It is our time to love unconditionally. It is our time to love and respect ourselves unconditionally. You will further see every single one of your relationships flourish as you take more time to give yourself love in every single form possible.
There is no other time.
There is no other outcomes to wait for.
There is no other answer.
You already know all of this,
I am just here to remind you 😉
If you’re reading this, there is a reason you are reading this.
For myself, I know there is absolutely nowhere to hide. I have chosen to live a life with gates blown wide open, with honesty dripping from my pores. With life lusting at my lips, and a longing to GO, for eternity. The current question, is how do i take action in all of this… For myself, writing has been the way to at least acknowledge this longing, to dip into the deepest depth.
I’ve learned that good-byes are what both break and make us. Looking back now, good-byes are also what have made me into the strongest version of myself yet. Break down, brings break through. Like rain water-falling down your skin, washing you clean, sadness cleanses us too. Which is why this quote from R.M. Drake reaches my soul on such a level.
So, do you want to dive deeper?
We each have this beautiful thing called the second mind. The second mind is the voice or ‘back splash’ in your mind that is humming that song all day, that is thinking about that person while you do other things like work or travel or clean or cook. The second mind will bring you back constantly to “oh, he would love that!” or “if only she were here to see this!”. It is a really terrible feeling to have someone you love stick in your mind.
So our other mind is what we are physically seeing in the present moment. Our cup of tea, the flame in our candle, the horizon or sunset, the pen and paper. Some of us have worked hard at quieting the second mind often (meditation) to help pull us back into the present moment. My belief system is that we are not living in the present moment when we live a life where the second mind has more space and control (when we do not acknowledge that it is there, it lingers). How often are you doing something where you are not truly seeing what is in front of you? Or acknowledging how you feel with what is in front of you? What are the body sensations happening in that very moment.
You are not looking at it.
Open your eyes, and look at it.
You are here.
“Try to understand that you are here, and that the things that surround you, change you – in the same way that you change them.”
Quote from, “The Valkyries”, by Paulo Coelho
In order to move forward from pain or tension, sadness, what have you, we must feel it all, to let it go. We must live in the present, the here and now. And to live in the present, we must acknowledge what is here. So try giving yourself space to think about what is happening, what is giving you the body sensations of tension or stress or sadness, give space for the mind to wander it, without feeding negative self talk or judgement towards it.
Think of it like this, every thought is a cloud that simply floats by. We do not judge it for being this way or that way. We allow it to be there, as is, and then we allow it to pass. You will then notice the tension will either subside or even disappear. This is the path of mindfulness, and you may have noticed it has happened before for you.
To paint this into a little picture for you, I still get anxious before teaching a class some days, and if i choose to sit before class and feel all of this nervousness, without worry of what my mind brings up or says, i notice the thoughts are feeding a negative version of myself, a default version of me. “They won’t like your class, they don’t understand you, you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re too anxious to be a yoga teacher” – noooonnne of that is true, and i know it. Yet the second mind may tell you lies about yourself until you have come back to yourself, your breath, your body, and what is in front of you. Once these thoughts have been focused on, i can say “ok, i love yoga, i am here. This is my mat in front of me, and all is well.”
Give this practice a try! Be open to yourself.
This process is honestly so simple that we make it difficult to recognize and accept. We overcomplicate the whole practice of breathing in and breathing out.
You are not weak. You are not incapable. You are not small.
You are strong. You are resilient. You have already come so far.
You are limitless love in a human body, under the stars and held by our galaxy.
We are responsible for everything that happens in this world. With the strength of our love and will, we can change our destiny, as well as the destiny of many others.
If we can accept all that is ‘wrong’ about us, and despite it, believe that we are deserving of a happy life, only then, we have thrown open this large window, and can allow love to enter.
Cheers to you, my friend. We are each creating every moment of everyday! And something BIG is coming our way ❤
Love + Light