Writing Down the Bones

I would wait all night for the smile you saved
just for my eyes to meet yours

In conformation
that I was whole
In longing for my purpose
any purpose
purpose to keep going

You pulled the trigger
and as the bullet pierced me
plumitting through my skin + soul
Leaving your mark
But the bullet went right through me

I felt the pain
the loss
my own deafening cries
On those darkest mornings
I cocooned myself, in my own arms
In my own support
A patience I had never known possible
A support and friendship that had been patiently waiting on the sidelines for years
waiting for me to see + acknowledge her
She was slowly brewing
Breathing in again
A storm waiting to escape

I filled the hole that I had dug
the same hole you initiated
Suddenly swimming in honey
In trust, in acceptance, in faith,
In truth.

Where had I gone?

It wasn’t enough to show up for myself every once in awhile.
I had to rip open the gates.

You pulled the trigger
I chose to dig deeper.
I chose me

– Depth over Distance

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
[I am no longer going to hide how badly I long to write.
This is what I need right now.
This is what is coming through me right now.
I can’t hide.
I choose to stop hiding.
And maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read this and cling to the words or the emotions the words bring, and accept their own depth for what is is. Accept their emotions for what they are. And realize that you can give yourself everything you need.

That is why I am here. This is why I teach yoga. Not so I can complete the hardest poses and show you how amazing I look in them. I am so tired of that shit. Of the ‘yoga goals’ i keep seeing young people speak of. If I had first tried yoga thinking I had to complete the physical postures rather than learn more about them and more about my body, I probably never would have showed up to that first studio for class.
And that breaks my heart.
SO i am here to rewrite the rules. So that young people don’t stop going out of their comfort zones. So they try that one yoga class, and if the class is surrounded around what their body can or cannot do, I hope to create a movement for people to see and feel that yoga is about the feeling, the journey, not an outcome.

I also want to address briefly, with writing like this – I don’t write about people. I sometimes write about myself or experiences, or archetypes, or my heart + soul, and what is happening with them. But never stories. So do not attach yourself to this or that poem/page being about you or him or her or them. Sometimes my writing is like I am speaking for another woman I have been. Someone else’s pain that I have brushed against.]

I hope this finds (and maybe challenges) your depth ❤
– h

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