(My grandmothers flowers outside my bedroom window in Queens Bay in August)
I have been changing as fast as the weather these days.
Ups and downs, highs and lows. Times where I feel lost in my own world, and times that I am sure of being supported and guided. In those times of positivity, I know I am constantly growing, that growth never stops, because I am always searching for depth in my practise, and in my life. Growth is happening whether we notice it or not, whether we are in a ‘positive’ space or not, and whether we want change or not. I search and I long for the hard stuff to arise. I want to dig. At times I wander off too far into my mind, away from my body and what is in front of me, forgetting that I am still being propelled forward, and that at no time am I at a stand still. At no time am I wasting time, because I am enjoying my time. Time spent enjoying yourself and your experience is never time wasted.
For we should never worry when life presents us with challenges,
but we should feel worried when life ceases to give us challenges.
Every obstacle or mistake is an opportunity to step back and look at your situation. Your sensations, your emotions. You are presented with the experience to learn from what is happening in these moments and sensations. I am not talking about your past, or whatever the hell you wish to be. I am speaking about right here, right now. Close your eyes and breathe, what is here?!
You are where you need to be.
Whether that means that your time of pain or discomfort is to break you open to one day allow more love and light in, or whether your current state of bliss is to be fully felt and experienced for everything it is. Guiding you forward into new beginnings with yourself. Wherever you are, be there.
Deep breaths ❤
Losing myself in everyone around me is not new to me. But falling in love with everyone and everything around me here is like seeing life through brand new eyes. I don’t know if it’s myself that has changed to see with open eyes, or if it is simply where I am that was bound to take my breath away; these mountains, these waters, these streets.
I think it’s a balance of both. I was meant to be here these last 4 months, to be planted here, to rise here, to grow here, to retake myself here.
I am not going back to how I used to be.
There is no going back to who I used to be.
There is no more apologizing.
There is so much fucking beauty in pain. This just might be what I’m trying to express, that I am obsessed with the flux and flow, the breakdown and the breakthrough.
And maybe that sounds crazy to you, but if it does, I would encourage you to dive into the actual depth of what you’re labeling as ‘negative’ emotions and sensations. Because they will teach you everything you need to know in the moment. Everything you need to know about yourself and how to accept where you are.
An offering, from yet another beautiful novel by Paulo Coelho, (I don’t know what I’ll do when I’ve finished his complete collection, I suppose I’ve read 6 of his books now, and there is only a handful left to go. It’s truly astonishing, each of his books have found me at EXACTLY the right time in my life which I needed the words and the guidance, so much so that I feel like I am the character, or the novel is written about me, or just in benefit for my own breakthroughs).
SO, an offering from ‘Eleven Minutes’,
“If I stayed, the dream would become reality, the desire to possess, to want your life to be mine… In short, all the things that turn love into slavery. It’s best like this – a dream. We have to be careful what we take from a city… or from life.”
We end with a story of passion,
Them and I,
This town and I,
My life here and I.
Both comfort, and a slavery to comfort are dangerous, poison, really.
If I stayed, I would never leave – because I’ve found a sense of ‘home’ here – and there is so much more in this world left for me to see.
So I will return.
I will come back, not only to this place I love, but I will come back to love,
It will be different and completely new, as love evolves as we do, daily, but I will find it again. I wont have it, but I will feel it.
And that is enough.
Because I already hold love,
because I already possess the love I always longed for,
because I already belong deeply
To the universe,
to the Earth as a whole,
I already belong.
There is no ‘home‘ worth searching for.
There is no home that you will ever find in another person. Nor should you ever search for home in another person, or rely on someone you feel at home with, because you will begin to grow a form of possession, reliance, over them or your relationship.
There is no home in a town or city. We may know where home feels like. Where home is on a map.
But I am telling you right now, the only home you should ever have is in your own bones and body. You have always had a home, and it has always been with you.
And at a time when i felt i had no home, is when I was pushed to feel the pain of losing what I knew as ‘home’, stripped from what I once tragically relied on to keep me afloat. I sank, and only I was there to catch myself, only I was there to say hey, do some yoga, sit by the water, soak in the sun, be with the trees, dance in the dirt, breathe.
And only after all this time being free, with myself, as myself, is when love came back. It came back in these new forms. New memories, not to replace the old, but to bring peace back into the corners of myself that felt sad. These new forms came in the experience of new friendships and long conversations, tacos and hikes and skinny dipping, bongo drums, and joints on the top of mountain peaks, campfires on the beach, beers on paddle boards, and beach combing for feathers, ukulele sing alongs on the patio, dancing in the dirt in the forest, stargazing on rooftops, and talks of dreams and bigger things. Moments that brought with them a loss for words. Moments that I wanted to hold onto as mine, these moments I chose to open my grasp and let them be.
None of this happened because of anyone else but myself, accepting my own freedom. Accepting that I am here and all of this is meant to be experienced as mine, not as possession but as my life. I can’t explain this any other way.
It’s time, my time, your time, our time, to stop questioning whether or not we are enough, whether we belong, whether we are loved enough. You are already all of these things, and you always were. You are the only one who has ever needed convincing. Everyone else has already seen it in you, or they are too worried about these same questions about themselves, to worry about whether or not you know your power. It is up to you to stand in your power. There is support all around you if you were to open up and receive it, but only you can choose to feel it. I don’t know what you’re waiting for, this is all here for us, for you.
May you open up to receive everything that is waiting for you in this beautiful life you are blessed with. Close your eyes and take it in.
All of my love,