You Are Worthy of Your Desires

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“Patience is when you you are supposed to be mad, but you choose to understand.”

When we trust, it does not mean that nothing bad will happen.
When we love, if we put ourselves out there and love with our whole hearts, we are going to experience heartbreak.
When we try new innovative things, we are going to fail.
When we risk caring and engaging, we are going to experience disappointment.
So it is not a matter of if we are going to experience the ‘bad’, it is a matter of when.
That being said, it is a terrible thing, waiting for the ‘right’ time. When is it ever the right time to make a drastic change? To do something we have spent years dreaming of doing? Dreaming of creating for ourselves?

Change is inevitable. Change is what life is made out of: millions of tiny shifts every day, hundreds of larger shifts every week, and a handful of drastic changes through our lifetime that we may recall as our breakdowns, but we may come to realize, lead us to our greatest breakthroughs. Sickness that lead to a new knowledge of health and self care. A fear that moved into a deeper form of love and respect.
This life is a time of lessons. Lessons we can either choose to push down, disrespect and ignore – therefor the universe tries to teach it to us over and over again until we can acknowledge what is going on, until we can sit with how we are feeling (maybe you have noticed these patterns in your life??) – or we may choose to fully feel our discomforts, becoming raw, becoming vulnerable, becoming our real, true selves in such a darker state and time. This does not mean letting it take over you or your life – let me be clear. This is about surrendering to the feelings, the body sensations you are experiencing, without attachment. Without an attachment to what you may originally label ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Be there to experience your life in this new depth.
And suddenly, we are moving forward – without even realizing it! When there is no longer pressure to forget the past, no pressure to be without ‘negative’ emotions, the discomfort is then released from our soul. We must acknowledge where we were so that we can move forward to where our body is now, where the spirit wishes so desperately to be: in the present moment. We cannot force it, we have to actually feel it. We have to do the hard work for ourselves that we wish so badly to refuse.

For me this meant getting my butt on my yoga mat this morning. And although i tried so hard today to get on my mat and flow or sweat, work off the tacos i ate this past week, my body said: sit, my body said move freely, then sit and let go;
Let go “-of attachment. To yourself. To outcomes.
Let go of the way things are.
If i could let go of everything – if i could let go of right or wrong – it would get deeper…
And it was amazing.
I could spend a lifetime of judgement against myself… or i could let it go.
I did not transcend my ego, we became friends, teammates.”
– Grandmothersphere by East Forest

I sat in Baddha Konasana this morning, allowing myself to feel the energy bubbling up from deep within. Allowing the tears to fall from my eyes when they came, just to drop, to wash over my feet; and i am reminded just how often we have the opportunity for rebirth. To be reborn. Energetically, physically, we can always choose change.
All that is painful in my heart today, releasing from my body and returning back to this Earth my feet walk upon. This giving and supporting Mother…

I went so fucking openly into this summer of time spent specifically for myself; being in a different hometown, in different surroundings, away from my routine, my job and teachings, my friends, my bed and my ‘home’… and i am so proud of myself for making such a change… I did not even take a moment to look back at my strength and growth until this last heart dropping shift that is happening this weekend. This current big change. Living with my grandma has taught me more than i could have imagined; patience and love. It has taught me i am supported, and that family is always available. Always here for us. In a place as beautiful as the Kootenays in the summertime, i feel so blessed to spend so much time outdoors as well. In the sun, beside the lake, amongst the trees, with endless roads to travel, the freshest of air. The kootenays have always been a place of reflection and inner work for me. It’s no wonder i feel so called to this place. I feel connected when i am here, when i take time to be outside, where i can FEEL my freedom, and be fully present to receive it’s gifts.

Watching my family, cousins, aunts, and uncles, all come to the kootenays (staying at our cabin down the road, and at my grandmas place with me), and then watching them go. Watching them leave. Waking up and they’re here – and waking up and they’ve started their trek home early in the morning. Crying when my family left, and now it’s already time that my folks are coming back up here for some time in September. My brother left too, back in July, i wont see him for longer, as he is off to school in Kelowna. Friends i have made – more so energetic connections, i am grateful to have stumbled upon here – friends leaving for school, for travel, for the adventure their journey is gifting them, their very own unique steps that their soul’s are calling them back to. I’m mentioning all this not to update you all on what has happened this summer, but to truly state how many lessons of change, of receiving and of letting go, that i have been experiencing these past couple months, forcing me to learn the strength that comes with letting go of attachment and letting go of outcomes, letting go of control. Through all of this i am then gifted with the freedom of simply being. Wholeheartedly free, and experiencing myself in a very new way for the first time. I am just floored that this has all come my way, hitting me now like a freight train. I was meant for this, for these stepping stones, these heartbreaks and these breakthroughs, for the confusion and the laughter, the unknown and these gifts. The pain and the pleasure.
I personally have always felt emotions very deeply.. which i have always believed to be both a blessing and a curse. But now… I don’t think i would (or could) have it any other way…
Because all of these memorable, fucking hard, scary and uncomfortable, unknown shifts, have each lead me to breakthroughs. They have each led me to a new beginning, to a deeper sense of self. A deeper knowledge of what i want, what i love, who i fucking am, and who i choose to be. Who i choose to let into my life and exchange energies with. Who i am choosing to be vulnerable around. There is a blossoming of deeper knowledge about my goals, my dreams. How far i have come, and how many more opportunities i have left to experience 💜

The universe is teaching me something big. The universe is teaching me change. It is teaching me to be open and receptive to so many memorable shifts. The shedding of layers, of past archetypes i had been clinging to, yet which were doing me no good. What no longer served me has finally been acknowledged… And for the first time i feel like i am ripped open, and accepting it, letting go. Accepting myself. Experiencing and loving the ups, the downs, for all that they just are. I have cleared the past to experience where i am now.

Breathe out
Look in
Let go.

See, to feel deep passion we must first bow to the nakedness that our fear asks of us.

– Hannah

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