Love Is Not Found Outside of Yourself

I am reminded once again, that the universe presents us with challenges when we are ready… Sometimes these challenges become gifts – however long that may take to accept.
With every breakdown, comes break through.
With every inch of darkness, there is also light.
With every piece of discomfort, an opening.
Clarity does not come from staying safe, or comfortable, or small.

I have started a new hobby of Giving Myself Space. To expand, to be. To take up some dang room, and to especially, allow my mind to wander with no thought of anyone else but me. Selfish, yes – but this is what is needed for myself right now, as SO MUCH keeps coming up when i have created this space for both my mind and body to just open and BE HERE (where i am physically).
Every night i am at Haven, or every night i possibly can, I take a Restorative yoga class, usually after the Hatha, Flow, or Power class i teach. I take this Restore to receive. Restorative yoga is both a busy minded, stressed out person’s greatest fear, as well as the medicine they may need the most. Within the 60 minutes or 90 minutes; we rest. We breathe and we drop our muscles. This hour is to be given to your body and mind, not spent thinking “i have so many more ‘important’ things i could be doing right now!”
If you’re thinking that, you are in exactly the right place, because your body and mind is asking you to slow down and realize THIS IS IMPORTANT TOO. My body and my energy.
It can be a huge challenge for the mind ❤

So we sink into ourselves. We give ourselves SPACE. You will only ever go into maybe 2-4 postures through these classes, and you will be supported with blankets, bolsters, and pillows, the teacher creates a space for you to heal, and show up to yourself with whatever is going on for you right now. As one of my favourite teachers/friends, Sherry always states, “Healing does not occur in isolation”

In last night’s practice, Dawn guided Yoga Nidra – which i will not begin to explain this trance! As i wont exactly explain it properly… As she drew us into the Third Eye, i realized a moment or two before she mentioned it, this 6th Chakra in my body, between the brows, was absolutely buzzing, it felt heavy and yet clear, active. My body was heavy, and for me it usually takes someone hugging me for a lonngg time, or literally laying on top of me to ground my body this heavy, haha. So this was absolutely wonderful. I am an airy, light, active in movement sort of person, so when i am able to reach this deep meditative state, it creates union for my mind, body and soul.

What i have began to notice is that one of my favourite parts of my day is driving from Abbotsford, after this class (ends at 9pm), back home. This is when i catch the sunset at it’s most beautiful last moments. I see a glimpse of the last bit of sun on the mountains to the East – deep blue sky touching the Earth, fading into pink and orange above – I see the brighter colours where there is no mountains covering the sky, towards the West…
There is barely any traffic to worry about…. and i listen to the Joshua Tree album :3
This is my magic moment… from the point in the Restorative class where i finally let go of any holding on, or holding back, to the point i pull into my driveway and wish i had a VW bus so i could just sleep under the stars instead of lug my gear and my tired butt inside ❤

With this cloudless mind, it mirrors the sky in these clear evenings…
When i used to leave the studio, i would be rushing out to home. Hoping we weren’t too tired to spend some time together before we had to get some sleep before work tomorrow. If i were to still be doing that, still be with this person, still be in that mindset… Would i have stayed for this Restorative class at all last night? Would i be unaware of this reflection time i could be experiencing? Have i been missing it all along to rush home from my job to him? Antsy to catch the last glimpse of his day rather than notice the last glimpse of the sun setting?
I regret nothing…. nothing at all ❤
But wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have rushed everything, everything for so long.
I was not aware of priorities because i did not know them. I had not yet even met them.
I had created my priorities and happiness around another person…I don’t think that’s right.. Or fair… it makes me really sad actually..
Always to be let down a little because i was expecting some kind of… SOMETHING?? Release? Happiness? Clarity? Space? That could only come from myself. I feel terrible because this expectation, although i didn’t see it until now, he did see it! I think he did see this sort of let down in my heart when we had to get some sleep. I only realize now that this let down happened occasionally because i thrive around bedtime. When the sun sets i don’t want to go to bed right away – this is actually when i do my best writing and sometimes best reflecting! I write most often around 10pm-1am. Which is really cool! It’s all just a learning experience… Most of it is pain, that is now turning into clarity.. Most of it i feel terrible about, looking back. But i had no idea… No clue i needed this time.
None of this is because of anyone else either, this is all me! Just to be clear.
This is nobody’s fault but mine ❤
And however much i miss this person every day, i am still loving how these thoughts are just pouring through and pouring out of me.

I had this giant mind blowing moment, listening to a video called “Releasing the Pain from a Breakup”, a talk with Kyle Cease (Link is down below!)… This is a lot to process but this spoke to me in huge ways…
“There are these relationships we sometimes come across that we are addicted to, because they trigger us, and that’s where we get that high. This addictive thing of, this is the highest source of love i have ever known, and this is because we do not know there is a source higher, your acceptance of yourself.”
As i have been coming into this alone time and self acceptance of being alone, acceptance of everything that has happened – forgetting why it happened – because it did happen, why question myself in my past… doesn’t mean i enjoy who i used to be, i don’t. But it brought me here… If this grows bigger and bigger and brighter and even more, just MORE inside. I feel like this is what i am here to do. Speak about all of this.
“If i am in pain, i have realized this is the worst time to go after something (someone), because if you’re saying you’re incomplete and you need this person and you get the person, then really this person is an addiction for you right? You’re stopping yourself from feeling pain. You are not necessarily adding something to your life, you are numbing pain. So you are saying that as you go after someone, that is saying, “you fill the hole of my pain”. That this person is the source of my happiness. This person is filling a void and has become an addiction for you. So know that the pain that you are feeling is a call for you to grow. It might be for you to just feel the pain for awhile. Maybe accepting something isn’t something you can just manually do, it might be something that needs to accept itself through time.”
(this is the problem with the internet, you can’t create a pause in your words for people to think, LOL. Take a moment to feel all that before moving on….

He then talks about a personal relationship he had,
“We broke up, I really missed this person, i knew i was in pain, so i was like ‘i can’t call her’, i mean she’ll just be a drug for me. We will stay the same, and i will be this incomplete person. So i allowed time to actually do it. Let time be the healer. That is how you accept. You cannot force-accept something so that you will be healed. In other words, your acceptance is ‘I’m accepting it so that the pain will go away” – and you’re treating acceptance the same as you are treating this partner, like ‘i want this so the pain will go away’, and the pain is here so we can grow into a place of actually accepting it the way that it needs to be accepted. Not the way we have decided we will accept it.
So if you decide, ‘i don’t feel pain anymore, i’m going to try to block it’ – that’s you going to any addiction you can to just numb pain. Pain is here so that you can learn to love yourself on a level of accepting that you’re feeling pain. Not transcending it your way.”

He then goes off about how the EGO is what is telling you not to feel pain. Especially in this world we are living in. Social media has played a shitty role in some of my pain. My ego occasionally goes “hey, you should be over this by now – you need to seem happy on your instagram for your followers” – then i come back to myself and my heart says, no, that is WHY I’m here. To show my vulnerable sides. My darker sides and what i am going through. I want to be an open book (to a point) with those that enjoy what i have to say.

“So the part of you that is judging the pain, is ego. You are moving from a place you are actually going to transcend over time. So the part of you that sees the pain is being looked at from the part of you that is also the pain. That’s not who you are. You’re looking at it through Pain Glasses, but thats not what you are. And you think the Pain Glasses are you – they are not. Accept the pain, accept what you are feeling NOW. Don’t accept the pain so that it will leave. When you wake up one day, and it’s still there, that means you get to learn a new level of acceptance for yourself. COOL. This is great.”

I feel that i am here to share this information about self acceptance and it’s importance. For now I’m just brushing the surface of these depths.

ONE MORE THING i wanted to touch on from the video. He says,
“Part of most of our pain is the constant conditioning since birth, that love is found outside of ourselves. This constant conditioning of you have to be in a relationship. Why do people ask other people ‘why aren’t you in a relationship’ ??? IT IS OK THAT YOU ARE SINGLE. It is ok that you are not with this person. What does ‘with’ even mean??? You aren’t standing with that person? You don’t have a grip on them? You don’t have ownership on them?? You never did! A relationship isn’t about control or having. It’s about appreciation. We can’t do this until we appreciate ourselves on a whole nother level.
We attract the energy we put out. If you are only ever in a place where you need someone to be happy, you will only be able to date people who also need someone. You will have two co-dependant people who are filling an addiction, and avoiding themselves. So it’s time for you to meet yourself. And it’s time for you to get excited about you. Because that’s available right now. When the pain is still there, i accept that too.”

I mean wow.

I have been writing more, and worrying less.
This is more of a blessing than i could ever dream of right now ❤

I wish i had a better way to end these droppings of bombs, thoughts, feelings… haha.
I am both happy and sad at the same time and i am still trying to figure out how that can be ❤

Link to the video, Releasing Pain with Kyle Cease

Much much love and blessings to each of you.
Happy Friday!
– Hannah

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