I Like This?

LOL question marks everywhere – As everything feels so new and strange.
I hope you are all having an amazing week ❤
I connected with nature a whooolle bunch this long weekend, as well as some old, amazing friends, and new friends! Feeling grounded in the universe… and really optimistic on what is to come… The sun gives me energy and support ❤
There is A LOT coming soon…

There is this really terrible boy band-y style song i have been enjoying lately… Not proud hahaha. It’s called “I Like Me Better” by Lauv.
Music has become reeeally beautifully heightened for me recently through this shift. (Through pain?) It’s like i can feel it deeply in my bones again. It’s not so much about how it sounds to my ears, but rather about how it feels to my body. It’s a beautiful thought, in my opinion. To feel something more than to experience it in any other sensation. I’ve begun to dance again. To lose myself and to not worry about what other people see when i headbang or shake my butt. No one was ever holding me back from this? Only i was. So why did i put myself in that space… This space of, “don’t, you’re ridiculous, you look crazy”. I enjoy being ridiculous ok. If we don’t be our ridiculous selves, how will we ever find our twin flames, our ridiculous soul mates out there! Friends, sisters, brothers, partners, our tribe, whatever you want to call a soulmate. I believe they are everywhere waiting for us to be ourselves so we can connect ❤

Anyways, this lil jam came on during my commute to Haven this afternoon… So, the chorus sings “I like me better when I’m with you”
I’m not sure… i just really thought about this.. I was really contemplative and interested in following this thought process.. This shift has brought me to a feeling of deep unknown, and fear.. i was honestly scared for a time here. Trapped in this false sense of “i can’t go on alone” – we grow close to those we love. The best way to describe it, which i may have said in a past post, it was as if half of me had left, the better half – the part of my life i enjoyed the most. I am only now realizing it felt this way because i did not make time for much else. Where i was back then.. i was ignoring my own self to focus on ANYTHING else. ANYONE else. I didn’t enjoy being with myself alone. I got bored quickly, distracted myself with my cell phone or tv shows, even working, teaching… or distracted myself by being with my partner (NOT because i was out LOOKING for a distraction in him, but because i enjoyed his energy, friendship and company of course! So it also became a way to distract myself from the dreaded feeling of being ‘alone’ – key point: i did not realize i was doing this. I had no knowledge of this happening in such a negative way.) Does this make sense? If we are constantly pushing to be in someone else’s presence, maybe not one person, but all of our friends, where does our body and mind get to sit and process, and just be? Just wander and chill by itself for a bit? There wasn’t enough self love within me, not nearly enough self trust or any kind of certainty in myself – my power, personality, inner strength. I just did not make time for it, there were other more ‘exciting’ things to be doing, like seeing the person i enjoy. This was so unhealthy. I had blinders on. Forgetting what alone time really meant for my fire and drive… And especially for someone that gives for a living, being a yoga instructor, we give our energy and time to create a support space for our students.
Yet at that time it was all i knew, i was also happy. And when i wasn’t? I am reminded of the fact that we cannot love someone else when we have not spent time on loving ourselves first. We cannot pour from an empty glass. This is burnout and frustration.
I was afraid i would go into a dark spiral of depression through this shift. I now accept this dark fear, as i had no idea how i would be feeling now, weeks later.

But I like myself better alone right now.
~ unfortunately not quite as catchy as the song hook 😉
I like myself better as i am right now… I was not sure i would ever feel this way. Well i mean, at sooommme point i knew i would.. but not so quickly did i expect to feel so fully myself in my own skin again. To feel vulnerable and so ok with it. Ok with and also proud of who i am now a days. Vulnerability has gifted me with feeling and this OPENNESS.
This is so fucking absolutely liberating and heartbreaking all at once. Feeling happy to be just with myself… I could cry, sing, breakdown, and dance all at the same time. A part of me is sad to see this section of me fall away and crumble to the floor like dust. Watching all this creation that happened in our time together fade. It’s just what I am used to, it was my comfort zone, my thought of ‘home‘ for so long – was not in my bed, reading, or listening to music by myself, but rather i only allowed home to be in those arms. The amount of pressure that puts on two people… it breaks my heart for the both of us, looking back.
A larger part of me is so relieved and excited… to have found this corner of myself that has lead to all of me. A deeper sense of self. Like this dark corridor that i never knew existed within these pores. EVERYTHING has happened how it NEEDED to… it is mind blowing to me. It’s a chapter of my life i need to accept and also to close, without rush.. Unfortunately i find myself living in a shit ton of regret, sadness and almost grief for how i handled some of my shit these past years. Again, i can’t live in it now. Things are said and done… I just see myself as being and occasionally acting as such a child, even just back a couple weeks ago! I guess it is truly just the amount of change that has happened? I’m just different. What the fuck. HOW CRAZY IS THAT THOUGH, REALLY. Again, laughing and crying all at once ❤
You guys are going to think I’m nuts.

The truth is… Change is not only inevitable. Change is so fucking important… to be put in fear to only be gifted with the outcome of growth? I will take it.
I don’t know how i will ever settle down in one place. Every time shit changes, does a 180 in my life, it’s terrible and frightening for a moment, a time, then suddenly it’s exciting. I LOVE IT. Most of my big shifts have gone this way… My big shift from teaching only hot yoga at Oxygen studios, to working at multiple non heated studios where i am allowed to AUM, and to use my voice in new ways… Teaching my first workshop… Leaving certain jobs to help my personal growth, rather than focusing on money/income, letting go of the constant serving of everyone but my true self… Filling that cup first.. Finding and following what my soul needs rather than listening to my head in the moment.

The amount of BEAUTIFUL faces and beautiful souls i have met since these shifts… BECAUSE of these shifts. Loving you more for the support, loving myself more for the optimism.
It’s true, the heart is the only thing that has to break to grow bigger.

Things just cant stay the same, they just won’t, and for the first time I’m embracing this in every fiber of my being. I’ve always been ready but i never believed it, because i never saw it. My eyes weren’t forced wide open, my heart didn’t break to open until now. I never saw this light that could grow inside of me, ten times larger because i didn’t need to worry about pleasing anyone but myself. It’s just me i have to worry about… Another sad yet happy thought.

What helps you fill your cup? What makes your heart feel full – think something that does not include another person, only you ❤

I want to be clear: i write about all of these personal ups and downs not to put spotlight on me or my relationships with these beautiful people, it’s not to out anyone or make you judge me or anyone i associate with. Rather this open hearted blogging is continuing because of the messages i have received from you beautiful souls. Asking me to keep being open… You are all holding space for me to release and let go and i cannot explain how much that means to me.

I LOVE you all ❤
Thank you for being here,
– Hannah

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