2 Weeks Growth

“We find our true weakness in pretending to be strong”

I feel as though i am meeting myself again for the first time. This feeling has come a handful of times throughout my life. This time it feels honest. If you choose to live the life of honesty, it is a life lived powerfully.
Growth does not come without change. Growth does not come without the loss of comfort, the loss of a safety net. For those that have big dreams, this safety was an illusion for us all along. To the dreamers, the millennials, to the ones that feel called far away to the mountains or oceans, the ones who love someone but cannot stay, we need to break free from the safety cage. To cut this chord. To wave goodbye to what we know and to step into what we may currently see as darkness, and we trust. Wholeheartedly, we must trust. Sometimes we cannot know what is going to happen, but we know it will give us experience. Maybe it will be better than we expected. It may teach us exactly what we needed to know. I’m starting to feel as though the best things in our lives come from these deep and perhaps even random acts of trusting, and then JUMPING.

At this point in my journey, i did not have the power to break away from my safety cage. So the universe brought me someone strong and true enough to help bring this into reality for me (for us). To show me i could break away from the parts of myself that hold me back, and become the firey ball of yoga/love/true power i am deep inside. My path brought me someone who showed me i am supported, i am loved. That i am worthy of friendship, laughter, bliss. Someone i could be honest with and someone i could learn from (so fucking much from ❤ ) Before this person, someone had once told me that my depression and my disbelief in myself, the confusion i had about my life was too much for them to handle. I could not be dealt with any longer. Truthfully, they noted i was too much to put up with. I wasn’t worth it. Why couldn’t i just be happy.

So being young, and having no drive to love myself in this pain. I didn’t feel like anyone would respect me, or want to be anywhere near me with how sad i was some days, how happy i was other days; let alone have feelings for me. Then this magic person came along, my best friend, and showed me how allowed and just how truly welcome i was to open up and be real and be myself, on my happiest days and on my darkest days.
Before i go further, i really want to state how beautiful this was and is of them, and how grateful i am. There really aren’t words. Although it makes me sad to lose such a deep connection with a light that played such a gigantic role in my life, it lights my heart up to think you are still giving all this positivity to the people around you every day, and to more beautiful people in the future. Some people really do deserve the world, and you’re one of them. I hope you can turn inward and truly feel this. Know you deserve it all. I hope you can take time to give just as much, and more, love and appreciation to yourself.
To continue,
The weird thing is, it got to a point where i became so comfortable that everything became about me. I would get upset or moody trying to make myself and this person happy. Which sometimes, cannot be done, sometimes should not be done. We cannot force ourselves to be one way for another persons happiness. The hardest part is realizing you may love them and want them to be happy in the relationship, but that might mean you cannot be happy within the relationship. This is where it’s time to leave the comfort, and welcome growth and discomfort.
As i resurface from pain into healing, this clarity brings me to the idea that all of this was because i had no time to myself. This tears me up; maybe if i had realized sooner it would have saved us some pain. But to realize this was a sign i needed to be alone,  I needed to find time for me. Even though i had this beautiful person by my side supporting me, we just cannot devote all our time to being in the arms of someone we love, when our soul is begging to be free. I was not and still am not ready to devote myself to another because i have not had years of time to devote to myself! Love starts from within, and starts with ourselves. Once i released all these thoughts of “I’m not good enough” “he said I’m too much – i am too much”. Hateful thoughts. Honestly, they were that person’s thoughts. I did not have to bring them in or believe them. It took so many years of thinking it was my fault, hiding myself away. So many years of this magic person trying to convince me i can do anything, to know that I am more than enough. I always have been.
To be free is to give my soul time to simply breathe by itself. To explore and to learn ABOUT itself. I have not had this for years… Especially never in a place where i could try and enjoy it. With the growth that has happened standing alongside such beautiful friends, colleagues, teachers, loved ones, it is time i give myself space to settle and be with only myself. To wake up when i need to, sleep when i need to, do what i want to, be where i want to be.
Maybe this sounds completely wack to anyone not in my place.

I feel as though i am meeting myself again for the first time.
Where there once was weakness i now find strength. Where there once was lies i now see honesty. Where there once was pain, i now find love.
I am enjoying this time i dedicate to free writing each Wednesday. After the words and connection i received after last week’s post… I feel called and welcome to post more. I am so unbelievably grateful for those that read it, and connected and shared that they connected with it.
A note: I write freely and barely edit my personal blog posts. I leave them a little bit raw, and not so beautiful. I swear and cry and i laugh out loud, and i just kind of keep going. Maybe you know the people i talk about and maybe you don’t. Maybe you try to know who i am writing about and maybe you shouldn’t. Think less about the connection to who i am or who i am writing about, and think a little more about what it means, how it feels to you. Maybe you think it’s weeeeiriddd as hell i post all this, that’s ok. I am trying to be ok with this. I don’t care much at all if you don’t think i write like a world class writer, because i am not one ❤

Much love and Blessings

– Hannah

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