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I thought it was time i give myself some space to just free write where i feel maybe someone else can relate and connect with this. Reminding myself and you that we are never alone.
I thought i could edit this into something that was less obvious that it was a post about a breakup. But it’s honestly too much work to edit all of that, and in my opinion, takes away from what i am actually feeling, and what i am trying to get across. Sharing such vulnerability is also something i have wanted to do for ages. It’s actually why i created this blog in the first place! Not to send you all constant emails about my retreats and whereabouts. Yet i am human, i still find I hold myself back, “what will my friends think?” “what if they judge me” “what if this is all ridiculous // makes no sense to anyone” “what if i come across juvenile” “what if no one relates”.
The truth is, it is SO scary posting my feelings. But i LOVE seeing openness in others ❤
With humour in those thoughts, here it is anyway.
SO to be clear, first, i am not putting ANYONE down, i am not trying to make anyone feel bad. If you are on the other side of a breakup and you’re doing fine and dandy. That is wonderful, stay humble and blossom onward lovey ❤
What this is is a release for me, Writing always has been. There are NO hard feelings in my posts. I literally love everyone – lol. Which could be why i feel pain so deeply. Especially loving those that have brought me pain, because i am then forced into learning and growing.
If you are relating, this may not even be a partner breakup, but a friendship breakup, or loss of a loved one, maybe loss of a job. Anything that you felt attached to, that has drastically shifted? Maybe this read is for you. Feel me out here, this ends positively.
If you have been through breakdowns, anxiety, depression, and you still have yet to climb and claw your way out of it. Know that in my deepest depth of my heart i believe breakdowns will result one day in a breakthrough.
In your breakdown
– this end of the world moment where nothing feels good anymore. Maybe you can’t get out of bed because it feels like there is no point today. You’re having trouble keeping focused, or smiling. Or maybe you’re feeling like me today, and the breakdown has suddenly and drastically flipped it’s switch to an unknown territory of anger, fire, and feeling unable to express how angry and sad i am. I’m wondering if the anger is an important part to my healing process. I am usually an unbalanced Vata (air/ether, energetic) and Kapha (grounded, slow, loving) (These are Ayurveda body elements, worth researching!) meaning that when Pitta dosha/fire is present in my body, i usually think of it as something positive, becoming grateful for it, then shifting this internal fire into creation to help me move onward! Anyways, Currently, my anger lies in the fact that shit can be created between two people and released between two people, so quickly. I’m not one to do this, to throw people out of my mind quickly, to trash memories. Even removing photos of these beautiful memories is hard because i was once there, feeling that way that day, and i still appreciate that thought and feeling! Fortunately: we cannot control people, Unfortunately: we may want to and make things (in our view) “better”. We cannot tell them how to feel or how to pick themselves back up. Only we know how to help ourselves and take these steps. We must respect each other in our different paths towards healing and moving on. We cannot pinpoint how the other (or anyone else) is feeling.
Although controlling is not what i want, this is actually a mirror of what has been wrong all along. This need to control a situation. It is hard to feel yourself growing away from someone because you need to take care of yourself. It’s time to focus on yourself (me) so that we (i) can find what we (i) love, and make it GROW.
Watching the other person delete you from their life can create so much frustration. What now?? How could they do this?
When we have been removed from their every day, their thoughts, their feelings and the connection you share(d)… We begin to wonder if the memories are treasured at all. This is where i am at. So when i calm down, and actually think about this, I’m left with, why is this? Why do we belittle the past and put ourselves down like we gave nothing. Why do we kick ourselves like we weren’t enough, like we didn’t give enough, couldn’t be enough for them. I don’t think any of that is true. But yet i still feel it.
Whoever you are as you read this i am fully SURE that you are more than enough. I am more than enough. So why do we do this?
My hope, and deep feeling on this idea is the realization of everything is beautiful. Even the loss.
Because on one hand you feel empty, you feel lost, you’re launched into this unknown new territory and space.
On the other hand, there is this new perspective on space. This space is for you to define and figure out, to plant the seeds that you want.
A friend reminded me that WE ARE SO SINGLE MINDED in this relationship world where if it does not last forever, it must not have been real.
That has to be bullshit. Im calling bullshit.
We are killing the moment with our desire to control at all costs. What would happen if you stopped and FELT. Challenge yourself and your heart to find beauty in this moment. For me this meant/means (as i am going through all of this right now), getting off of facebook, off of my phone and social media every now and then, because it creates this giant FEAR that i am missing out from this persons life. My mind has even created the thought that i am not moving on fast enough, letting go hard enough. The worst part is when the person you have lost is the one you would go to in these moments of internal disaster.
Deep breaths. All you need is you.
And maybe an outlet to write, to draw ❤ To release.
Challenge your heart to find beauty not only in the head space you are currently in, but in the loss of your breath.
Meet yourself where you are, each and every day. Moving into this and through all of the ups and downs you encounter inside. You will know when you are calm and ready to lasso your sense of self.
Depression happens when we suppress our fire, and suppress our truth. Depression or a limb of depression is something we all go through at some point. The stronger your spirit is the more it feels so intensely suffocating because you are too much beauty to be held down.
In your breakthrough
It is important to remember that one day you will look at this sadness, this anger, and say wow, that made me. That created me. This pain gave me the fire and drive to be shot forward like an arrow. You are made of light and love and energy. Your pain, our pain, is here to ascend you higher into your future. To know pain is to know bliss, pleasure and gratitude.
i love you all. As always… thank you for being here without judgement ❤